If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
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Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
True
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.