Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
You Might Also Like
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me