Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
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I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
forgive me baja for i have blast
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him