“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
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I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now