“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
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Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
Erm…
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen