You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
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That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
Sharon, call the vet