eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
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Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on