Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
You Might Also Like
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
that de-escalated quickly
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
peeping toms
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.