Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
You Might Also Like
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine