just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
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Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.