“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
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I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
Love is always patient and kind.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
When life hands you women, make women laid.
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
the short answer to this question
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something