My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
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I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning