My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
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Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?