The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
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My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
hi why am I like this
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.