“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
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Miscakes
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
How to draw a duck
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
Effort made
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early