The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
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[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008