Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
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“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
can’t believe I got front row seats
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.