Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
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If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.