Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
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License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
I’m about to risk it all
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream