yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
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Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.