I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
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A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*