all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
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Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job