The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
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Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh