Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
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“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.