witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
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6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!