The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
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Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.