*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
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*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*