the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
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I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down