Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
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HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
Now this is how you LinkedIn
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”