Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
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It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery