Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
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I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.