*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
You Might Also Like
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.