the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
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Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow