[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
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I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
Comparing yourself to others
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
Nothing.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?