You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
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he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
Netflix and scream at our children?!
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.