I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
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Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.