Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.

this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!

Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?

Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.

Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?

Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.

I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?

I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.

If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.

[god creating jellyfish]

how bout an evil bag

I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.

I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.

Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart

Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.

Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.

Kentucky names the shit out of places

[Speed date]

Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT

Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams

[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again

Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.

Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.

[Horsemen tryouts]

APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4

*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*

STEVE: dang it

toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that

(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground

This cat looks like Wilford Brimley

Friend: You need help?

Me: I need to write a couple letters.

Friend: OK

Me: Not those.

Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?

My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence

I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it

No man left behind.

No stone left unturned.

No donut left uneaten.

Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.

Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party

Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!

Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.

Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.

If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.

But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.