I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
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Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.