waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
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Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”