sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
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People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
The pasta is now
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.