just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
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What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
I love it all
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered