Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
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Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
✌🏽
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
A closed mouth gathers no fries.