American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
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It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
uncle dave has been through hell
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
Doormats are a gateway rug.
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.