doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
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ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
My current situation
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it