sugar glider wrangler
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Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.