So can we start calling them Traylor now?
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Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
God: let鈥檚 make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that鈥檚 pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they鈥檙e leaky as hell
A: there it is
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
Our vision of Hell doesn鈥檛 come from the Bible; it鈥檚 a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 馃嚭馃嚫
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We鈥檙e outta here
When you鈥檙e married, it鈥檚 important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can鈥檛 escape.
Salad is the decaf of food.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he鈥檇 still love me if I was a worm.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn鈥檛 ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That鈥檚 not even on the periodic table
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?