If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
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I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.