Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
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I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
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…
…
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2015: Taco Emoji!
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
Ummm
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.