It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
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I have a new favorite meme page
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no