Yup.
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me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
That time Alicia messaged me
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.